I thought i was okay, and i really thought i was making some progress on me.
But never have i been so wrong.
And it’s late at night, early morning that it creeps up on me.
I’ve tried convincing myself that i’m better and that i’m destined for better things.
I wish the advice i give other people, would work on me.
I wish i could convince myself that im okay.
And i hate slipping back into her.
i keep thinking it would be nice to be in a relationship and to have someone there, to love me. But i just can’t bring myself to rely on someone else to make me happy, for them to fix me.
I can’t fight off my own demons anymore, because every night they grow a little bit stronger, and their words are slightly more harsh with every waking morning.
And i just wish i could stop feeling this way.
I wish people would appreciate me and just love me for who i am.
I feel like i constantly need to fit in, and i hate not being me anymore.
I hate that the second people get to see who i really am, people leave.
Am i that much of a monster?
I don’t even recognise my own reflection anymore.
And it isn’t about other people anymore.
This isn’t about anyone.
It’s me trying to fight my own battles.
And nothing is going to make this go away.
The bottom line of this is that i’ll never be good enough.
I’ll never be anything anymore than this.
And i love being single, i like having my own life, i feel like i’ve been doing so much more than last year. But it comes with a price.
I’m not thin. I’m not blonde. I don’t have green emerald eyes.
And when you’re happy, it shows through. When you’re content with your life, is when your laugh is hearty and not short.
And lately i feel short of everything.
I can’t outrun my own problems.
I’m just not good enough for anyone anymore. I don’t feel good enough, like no matter what clothes i wear, or how i style my hair, it doesn’t matter about my appearance, i feel like i’m losing grip with who i am, or who i was, or at least what i used to believe in.
And i hate going to bed at night alone, but i’m not ready to ruin another person, because i’m too much of a child to sort my own life out.
I’m not good enough, for you.
And you can argue that i’m everything you always wanted.
I feel like my appearance is all that i have, and even that has diminished.
I look and feel tired, and im not meeks anymore, im just existing, not surviving or living just here.
I hate feeling like im nothing.
But so many people have made that evident, that i’m just not good enough.
They are right, i am not thin. I am not pretty, i am not blonde, i do not represent summer.
I wonder, in a sea of people, if i disappear, would it really make any difference?
I wish just one person to miss me.
Just one that loves me.
How is it even possible to be this miserable?
I miss being loved and cherished.
I just feel like i exist, like i’m there.
I’m a ghost, chasing myself.