I have none of it.
And i am drowning in myself.
I can’t keep up with my life anymore.
I have no control over any aspect of my life.

No one fucking understands me.

And i feel like i am going to crack.
Like i am precious, like i am made of glass.
Something is brewing inside of me.
And i can’t hold myself together anymore.

I am sick, and no doctor can cure.

All i have is a heap of people telling me that i’m fucked up and that i shouldn’t act out.
All these fucking idiots who don’t understand me.
I am in a battle with myself.
It is no one else’s battle.

And i cannot carry on anymore.
Monday showed me who the monster really was.

I don’t even recognise my own face.
It feels like me, when i touch it, i can feel it, but it isn’t me.
My body is failing me, and in more ways than one.

I actually, don’t know who i am anymore.
I think this is it Meeks, you’ve finally let go.

Of everything.  

You go back to your life, and i to mine.
And that’s how it really ends.
That’s really how the cookie crumbles.
And you asked me why.
And i told you frankly,
I won’t take you down with me.
I wouldn’t dare.
I knew it was going to end even before it began.
Not because i am pessimistic about things but because i know.
I know that my end is now, inevitable.
And i don’t mean to say that so melodramatically.
But i’m now waiting for it.
Avidly waiting for the end.
Whose?

Mine.

And it’s that time again.
When i come crashing down on my myself.
Drugs and drinks are prolonging the inevitable.
I want to go back to when i was okay.
How did i even get like this?

He was right, i’m going to slip through the net and slip away.
I tell people i need time to myself to mull things over, but he was right.
All i need is time to go further into the whirlwind of destruction.
And it’s like taking a deep breath and diving into a pool.
Except i can’t swim and i’m drowning in my own thoughts.
And you think you will eventually hit the bottom.
Except most days it feels like im drowing and that memory comes back.

The one where im 11, and i’m so small that even trying to jump, my fingers can’t break the surface.
The sun taunting me above the surface of the water, shining it’s warm rays.
Letting me know that i am indeed on the other side.

I can’t escape myself anymore.
It isn’t fair.
I was good, i was so good.
And i did everything with my best intentions.
And it wasn’t enough.
i wasn’t enough.
i’m not good enough.

That’s how it feels.
I can’t save him, i can’t save myself.

You go back to you normal life, and i go back to black.
I did my best.
I did my best.
I did my best.

But i wanted it so bad.
And it feels like everything is out of my reach.
And everyone else is fine.
And i want so badly, just to be fine.
And i just want this to be over.
I want to slow down, pause my life.
And i can’t.
Just when i think i have a grip on things, i don’t.
And the weeks roll past me.
I’m running out of time.
And i can’t deal with it anymore.

i can’t deal with myself anymore.

I can’t be bothered for this anymore. Round and round in circles we go until I’m dizzy and I can’t control it anymore. I can’t control myself anymore. I’m literally losing sense of reality and I’m not sure if I’m coming and going. Things I was certain of, are slipping through my fingers like little sand particles and I’m not even trying to grip, I’m letting it all go. I’m letting go of myself because fuck it? Why should I fucking bother anymore? Anything that I knew and understood is behind me now and everything new is fucked. What the fuck is my life? After this I’m coming home to do what I only know what’s best for me. Ill keep running for as long as I can. I’m not coming back.

STAHP.

Meeks?
You alrite?
Meeks, you okay? You seem a bit down?
Meeks, do you want to talk?
Meeks, look, i’m here for you if you want to talk?
Meeks, what’s wrong? Don’t shut me out, come on.
Meeks, you okay buddy?
Meeks?
Meeks!
Meeks.

Actually stop.
I get that everyone is concerned about me.
I get it.
I get that my friends care for me.

And you have no idea how greatful i am
I just want everyone to back the fuck off.
Why do i have to talk about it?

Why can’t we just, not talk about it?
Why can’t i just do my own thing.

I just want to try and get back to my life.
I just want to be alone.

I don’t want anything, i don’t want anyone.
So as nice as it is, having everyone around  me with painted on concerns i just want to be left the fuck alone.

I don’t want to talk about anything.
I don’t want to talk about how i feel.
I don’t even want to think about anything.

Just, leave me alone.
Let me get high, let me drink and let me go.

What i wouldn’t give to hear your voice again.
Imagine that, i could download a software to talk to you one last time.
What would i say?
Would you remember the last thing you said to me?
I think i would sit there in awe, crying.
Fuck, i’ve missed you.
It’s mental to think this year will be 3 years.
It doesn’t get easier.
Everytime i’m reminded of you, i can’t help but let the tears roll. 

I fucking wish you were here.

She wasn’t worth it bro.  

I can’t help but think of things that get to me, and then do nothing but focus on them.
This isn’t going to be a long rant.
But i’ll definately have the last laugh when i do eventually kill myself and list everyone for their faults.

I hate how growing up i was bullied, and even now, i reflect on my life and i’m like, fuck, nothings changed.

I am everyone’s favourite punchbag.
I am always seen as a fucking joke to everyone around me.
I’m starting to debate with myself who really are my friends?
Because lately it seems like i have no one.

I generally hate how i am everyones joke, if it isnt about my lectures or work im supposed to do, then its about my social commitments or running or anything like that, anything i’ve said i will do to better myself i’m seen as a fucking joke. 

I really hate myself, and being reminded everyday just how unsupportive my friends are, i just feel like i have no friends. I hate how everyone belittles me, everyday. Every. fucking. day. 

And when it comes down to it and i finally snap, i’ll do it.
And you’ll be so sorry, and you won’t be able to take back what you said or how you treated me, and you’ll live the rest of your lives, knowing you pushed me to it, and i’m saying it now, it is YOUR fault.  

I thought i was okay, and i really thought i was making some progress on me.
But never have i been so wrong.
And it’s late at night, early morning that it creeps up on me.
I’ve tried convincing myself that i’m better and that i’m destined for better things.
I wish the advice i give other people, would work on me.
I wish i could convince myself that im okay.
And i hate slipping back into her.

i keep thinking it would be nice to be in a relationship and to have someone there, to love me. But i just can’t bring myself to rely on someone else to make me happy, for them to fix me. 

I can’t fight off my own demons anymore, because every night they grow a little bit stronger, and their words are slightly more harsh with every waking morning.

And i just wish i could stop feeling this way.
I wish people would appreciate me and just love me for who i am.

I feel like i constantly need to fit in, and i hate not being me anymore.
I hate that the second people get to see who i really am, people leave.
Am i that much of a monster?
I don’t even recognise my own reflection anymore.

And it isn’t about other people anymore.
This isn’t about anyone.
It’s me trying to fight my own battles.
And nothing is going to make this go away.

The bottom line of this is that i’ll never be good enough.
I’ll never be anything anymore than this.
And i love being single, i like having my own life, i feel like i’ve been doing so much more than last year. But it comes with a price.

I’m not thin. I’m not blonde. I don’t have green emerald eyes.
And when you’re happy, it shows through. When you’re content with your life, is when your laugh is hearty and not short. 

And lately i feel short of everything.
I can’t outrun my own problems.

I’m just not good enough for anyone anymore. I don’t feel good enough, like no matter what clothes i wear, or how i style my hair, it doesn’t matter about my appearance, i feel like i’m losing grip with who i am, or who i was, or at least what i used to believe in.

And i hate going to bed at night alone, but i’m not ready to ruin another person, because i’m too much of a child to sort my own life out.

I’m not good enough, for you.
And you can argue that i’m everything you always wanted.
I’m not.
I feel like my appearance is all that i have, and even that has diminished.
I look and feel tired, and im not meeks anymore, im just existing, not surviving or living just here.

I hate feeling like im nothing.
But so many people have made that evident, that i’m just not good enough.
They are right, i am not thin. I am not pretty, i am not blonde, i do not represent summer.

I wonder, in a sea of people, if i disappear, would it really make any difference?
I wish just one person to miss me.
Just one that loves me.

Just one.

How is it even possible to be this miserable?
I miss being loved and cherished.
I just feel like i exist, like i’m there.
I’m a ghost, chasing myself.  

Fuck her. Fuck being the nice girl. Fuck doing nice things, fuck doing things for everyone else, fuck concentrating on other. Fuck everyone :)

No one notices the nice things you do for them.
And it’s so much easier being a prick.

Fuck old Meeks, that fucking loser.

Say goodbye to the loser you used to know. 

I’m so glad, i’m finally back.
I’ve been in the dark for too long.

2013, is going to be disgusting.